Newton's law of gravity

What did Newton's penis say to him after seeing a sexy naked woman?

Fuck your laws of gravity, i'm going up!

Guts

Define GUTS>>>?

it's when your girlfriend catches you in the theature with another girl and you say.

LOVE YOU DARLING. NEXT SHOW IS WITH YOU'.

Gandhi ji and Shahrukh Khan

What is the similarity between Gandhi ji and Shahrukh Khan?

Both returened to India after getting insulted in South Africa!!

Innovative!!

Boy- my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pictures of her with her new boyfriend!

Friend- thats bad!

Boy- but no problem, i sent them to her dad....

moral- be INNOVATIVE!!

Great students

Great students like you and me flip an coin and think.

head- we vil go to sleep.

tail- we vil watch a movie

stand- we vil listen to music.

if it stays in the air- we will study..!!!!!

The weaker sex!

Women- They hold you by your dick, get into your brains, analyze your past, fuck your future, screw your feelings, empty your pockets and are outrageously called the ''WEAKER SEX''!!!

Mummy!

Two Sardars in museum looking @ Egyptian mummy.
Sardar 1- look, so many bandages, pakka accident case.
Sarsar 2- yes yes, Lorry number also written B.C.1760

Cockroach

Son kills butterfly. Dad says no butter for two weeks.

Son kills honeybee. Dad says no honey for two weeks.

MOM kills cockroach-

Son says, Dad will you tell her or should i?

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Woman

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
- Oliver Herford

"A wife of 40 should be like money You should be able to change her for two of 20"
- Anon

"She tells enough white lies to ice a cake"
- Dorothy Parker

"She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together."
- John Cantu

"My wife asked what it would take to make her look good I said "About a mile" "
- Anon

"She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it."
- Bob Fosse

"Some women are BLONDE on their Mother's side, some from their Father's side - she is from Peroxide."
- Anon

"She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age."
- Oscar Levant talking about Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
- Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

"Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats."
- Walter Kerr on Ethel Merman

My cute little BABY

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen''.In a huff,the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me", she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers".

"You're right", she said. I think i'll go back up there and give him a piece of mind".

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here let me hold your monkey."